My name is Leo, fuck what ever title follows.
I have been self aware since I could remember. The biggest obstacle was growing up the ugly duckling and the one who was always getting picked on. I was awkward and never fit in in to any particular group, I still don't fit in. Even in San Francisco where everyone is welcome, I feel like the black sheep and I don't fit in. The leather/BDSM community that I have championed this whole time, does not except me with open arms; instead I get, "Who does he think he is?" It hurts, but who cares...? I stopped caring a whole five lifetimes ago.
I'm sorry i'm not a passive aggressive punk- ass bitch like the rest of you, I'm as real to real life as any of you is ever going to get.
There are many worlds that we never touch on any given day. Most people go about their mundane lives day by day.. never changing anything until the day they die; incomplete and unhappy. I however have journeyed in to a lot of worlds, many of which I have never been to again, and some which I have championed and some that I have mastered. there is few people who could best me at what I do.
I wasn't even born in this country! I'm from the southern part of Mexico, the half-breed child of a Mexican and a Brazilian woman. When I came to America, I found out quick, this was not the land of milk and honey or even the land of dreams, especially since I'm of a darker hue. Sorry to break it to you pacifists, but if you are darker than caucasian, you get royally fucked in America. I have been racially profiled SO MUCH! It's expected.
I grew up in Chicago, and I'm not talking Michigan Avenue. I'm talking La Villita, West side Chicago, and my favorite and my most pride; Humbold Park. I'm not a child of privilege, I'm the ghetto children most of you just read about. I'm a statistic from the moment I set foot on American soil. I remember being a kid and fighting on the street. I remember getting jumped behind my house by neighborhood boys and being stripped of clothes and dignity. I remember trying to talk to several guys trying to jump my ass out in a dark street, telling them, "NO! I'm not a King!" I remember looking over my back as I walked in to Maniac territory, HOPING that I ran in to a familiar face instead of a stranger. I am what your parents tried to scare you with... I lived the live you only thought you could handle. Fights, weapons, drugs, and deaths.
My best friend said to me once, "Everyone gets old, if you are lucky." I lost SO many people along the way to stupid things. Stupid rivalries and bad decisions. I'm alive today because I was able to fight off the world around me.
I'm forged by fire full-on. I'm a veteran of war.. shot out of the sky by ground to air missiles and even had my chow hall blown up in Operation Iraqi Freedom.. I'm hardened by life. I'm a hard person, my exterior is callous. I have had to fight every step of the way.. fairly by the people who confronted me and chose to fight me man-to-man, fist to fist.. and unfairly by those who hide behind protocol and law. Fuck if i'm not tired of it.
I'm tired of being a second class citizen. I hate having done so much for my country and nation only to be treated like shit by the people in my every day life. I couldn't even get a job when I separated from the military, which is why i turned to porn. I have been hard trained by my life and then by the U.S. government to be a fighter, to be a weapon.. and then to be treated like common trash by the common man.. I heard it once said, "It's harder to be a king with out a crown (someone who has tasted) than to be someone who has never been there before.
I have tasted a worlds that most people only read about in Time Magazine or the Herald, and frankly I get so worn out trying to be such a good and kind person to a world who does not deserve it.
I was training to be a nurse, and I was a paramedic for a while.. I thought, maybe if I can help the world around me, I could make a difference. You know what I learned? You don't need to be helped. Especially since I was taking so much of the load on myself. Why should I be the victim of unemployment, poverty, domestic abuse, etc? Where is my charity? where is my worthy cause?? nowhere that's where...
None of you know, I was the first medical team who arrived in New Orleans during Katrina.. helping people out of the water and making sure they got care. I was the one who walked in the terminal with cards deciding who got care and who was left to die. You none know that I spent my nights working in the expectant room/morgue to get some peace and quiet. Having people die in my arms hour after hour... none of you know I took my turn in the middle east watching as the people around me never returned once the left for patrol.. none of you know that I was the last person some people saw.
I always wanted to go to New Orleans, I romanticized it for years from the books I read, and the only time I went was when it was under water.
I can't even get anyone to take me for Southern Decadence today.. I'm not part of the crew.. If you only knew how much that hurts me.. I don't care about the debauchery that goes on, i just want to have a good memory of it instead of the chaos I know.
I'm so hard on the inside and out. I don't know how else to be.
You might be wondering what set me off tonight, and it's this.. people are so rude. I ask and ask, i'm nice and nice.. but it always get to the point where some stupid faggot or some loud mouth bitch wants to take it to another revel... they want to run their mouth and say what ever they want... if they only knew how much strength it takes not to take them apart. I have all the anatomy and hand to hand combat experience it takes for me to take you out in two moves or less... It's so much more strength for me not to fight than to fight... it's so much more of a fight to scare you off than to bring you down.
If I can get one point across it's this... be civil, treat people well, you never know someone's history or where their boots have walked. Nothing would bring me more satisfaction than to release the inner animal i fight day and night to keep locked and chained.. an hell what does jail have I don't want??? square meals and all the man to man action i can handle.. ;) However the man who lives in my head the, Jiminy Cricket inside me says, "Be kind, forgive, and turn the other cheek..." if I didn't have the desire to be a virtuous man working for the greater good... I could easily be your cell mate. Please be kind to each other.. the world is so terrible as it is, there is no reason why we should be fighting one another. I have seen all aspects of life.. everything you could possibly think of, I've walked there. Don't be another incident, and be humane. Learn love...
A picture of me at Louis Armstrong International Airport at 19yrs old, soon after we had cleared it for patient evacuation after hurricane Katrina. There were helicopters none stop day in and day out in the air and on the ground bringing in refugee after refugee for days.. I have walked where you would never dare.. be kind to me as I have been to you.