Saturday, June 16, 2012

To the Last Man

I have often been asked if I had always wanted to be in porn.  The answer is yes, even in the moments when I didn't have the courage to own up to my desires- deep down I still wanted to be a porn star.  I remember the first time that I saw pornography- in a magazine, my heart stopped and I could not breath.  it was unlike anything...
It was straight porn, but I knew what i liked, and soon enough I stumbled across the world of gay porn. The men were beautiful--god like even and so out of reach that they became celebrities to me, and to most other people who never really were able to touch that world with their own hands.  To this day we, as a general community fawn over the handsome men who dare to share their bodies and sexual fantasies to a mass audience.
I fell in love with the early Falcon Studios men, people like Blake Harper, Eric Hanson, Ken Ryker, Tom Chase, Travis Wade, Jeff Palmer, Mike Branson, Ryan Idol, Billy, Brandt... and so many more.  These were the men I wanted to be like.. they were the true porn stars; Porn Star, a term that is used so loosely that even my Catholic mother can claim to be one now.  These men were personalities, characters of their own design, that we fell madly in lust over them.  
Over the years, I felt as if I had gotten to know these sky clad men who i watched and secretly thought I would be like one day.  When the day came that I took the leap of faith off the highest mountain, i said to myself.. you will be the best and succeed or nothing at all.  I started my journey and took the essence of these men with me as a guide for what I would one day become( as I'm still currently on that journey)  I took with me Francois Sagat, Erik Rhodes, Daddy Zeus, Dred Scott, and a few more that i'm sure have already faded away from memory..  They were my guide in to this meat grinder of a business.

However today, this business is so much more different than it was back when I had dreamed to be part of it.  "Stars" are born and fade over night, while some burn low for many years, oh and the pay is starting to suck really bad, since anyone with an iPhone can make porn now... and all the new guys willing to work for nearly nothing.. it's become more of a rat race than ever.  The glamour has become even more of a lie than ever, and you have 24yr old guys who have been in the industry for a year trying to write their memoirs.. REALLY?! what could you possibly have to say?  
I play my part, and I know that it will be a difficult role, but i'm going to do my best and show them that a performer will out do the "IT" boy anytime anywhere.  I have my porn-models and icons who have shown me how to be great at what I do.

As the world already knows Erik Rhodes just passed away a few days ago, and when I heard the news, I was overcome with such great sadness-- I didn't know why.  I had only ever spoken to him a few times, and was always fascinated to read what was going on in his life... It just hit me suddenly that it made me sad, because I had followed his work for so many many years, and in my eyes he was larger than life (literally and figuratively speaking)  Further more, we had lost one of the last remaining PORN STARS.  
I have come to realize that, that title is something that has been lost.  No matter how much any of us try, we will reach and still fall short of that brass ring.. It was a title that you earned over years of work and it described someone who is larger than life, Adonis like, and out of this world.  The only thing I see now is foolish children who don't have a handle on life, let alone themselves.  They are known for what drama they create, not how well they perform and capture an audience.  How many times have you met your favorite porn model only to find out they are a fucking douche?  They think they are more important than they really are, and think pretty will last forever, not thinking twice about what would happen if it would all end today.  This is not a career, we don't get health insurance and 401K options.. we are performers.

I'm upset that someone who entertained me and gave me something to aim for over the years is now gone.  I think that we all now feel a void where there once was something great, and the rest of it feels just a little more boring.  I remember one interview he mentioned how the guys used to be interesting, come with a back story.. they were rebels/radicals/pirates.. now they are slutty trailer

Anyway, i guess to sum this all up, I just had to make my peace with hearing the news of someone who i looked up to in this business had died, and at 30.. I'm only two years away from thirty, and can't phantom what it must be like to die so young.  However he was troubled in so many many ways, perhaps it's a release from it all..  I however feel the reality of my mortality yet again.  I'm living my life day by day in the public eye, as whatever the public sees me as.. happy/sad/perverted/badd-ass/ churlish..etc...  However underneath it all, i'm lacking and wanting so much more.  I'm not necessarily happy with myself or my life as it stands.  There is so much that I wish to share with the world, the reality of what it is like to live in the House of Forte, but I'm not sure i'm ready to be more naked than I have ever been before.  perhaps when I'm writing the tell all tale at 50, I can have the bravery to truly be exposed.  Until that time, i will do my best to put on a show for everyone to enjoy, and reach ever further for the brass ring that feels like it's somewhere between a rock and a hard place.  I can hope that one day I'll be remembered of fondly and perhaps if a few people will remember my name as I make my way out stage left..
Until then I shed a tear and show my respects to someone who paved a trail and left his mark.. 

Erik Rhodes
James Elliot Naughtin

"I always had hopes of being a big star. But as you get older, you aim a little lower. Everybody wants to make an impression, some mark upon the world. Then you think, you've made a mark on the world if you just get through it, and a few people remember your name. Then you've left a mark. You don't have to bend the whole world. I think it's better to just enjoy it. Pay your dues, and just enjoy it. If you shoot an arrow and it goes real high, hooray for you."  Dorian Corey


  1. Once again you have been able to captivate us with your beautiful way of connecting with us on a human level. Thank you

  2. Wonderful post Keep reaching for that brass ring.

  3. Thanks for writing such maudlin words for our Erik, yourself and all the boys who hold dreams. Underneath It All, RIP Erik...